Monday, July 25, 2016

hard things

I'm going to speak of hard things. I'm not saying this blog will be regularly updated. Hopefully it will. But if not, at least I'll have my thoughts out there. 

I've suffered from clinical depression, PTSD, and generalized anxiety disorder most of my life.
At 14 I was molested.
At 15 I was raped.
From 15-18 I was bullied by my peers.
At 17 I was raped a second time.
At 24 I was raped a third time.
At 25 I lost my baby during pregnancy.
At 29 I developed an eating disorder and a self-harm habit.
At 30 I had a breast cancer scare.
At 31 I am being forced into a divorce I do not want.

And let me tell you - divorce is by far the hardest thing I've had to experience in my life. 

What do I do with the love I have for this man? It hasn't gone away and I suspect it won't. How do I rid myself of over two decades worth of memories? How do I erase almost 12 years of a relationship, with almost 10 being marriage?

How do I forget how he was the first man to love me, even when he found out what I had done in my past? How do I forget how he made me laugh, how he proposed, how we met? How do I forget the way he held me when we lost our baby, or the way he clutched my hand so tight while we waited for my surgery to see if I had cancer? How do I forget the Christmases, birthdays, Halloweens, every family reunion? How do I forget how he soothed my tears when I had nightmares, knew my favorite treats, brought my medicine while I was sick? How do I forget every vacation, every night spent in love and passion, every laugh, every inside joke? 

These are questions I have no answers to. I do not know. 

But I do know one thing with absolute surety - I will be okay. Throughout the last month, and without fail, I've felt that I will be okay every single day. Maybe not now. Maybe not in a week. Maybe not even in a year. But I will be okay. And that's enough for me.