I've suffered from clinical depression, PTSD, and generalized anxiety disorder most of my life.
At 14 I was molested.
At 15 I was raped.
From 15-18 I was bullied by my peers.
At 17 I was raped a second time.
At 24 I was raped a third time.
At 25 I lost my baby during pregnancy.
At 29 I developed an eating disorder and a self-harm habit.
At 30 I had a breast cancer scare.
At 31 I am being forced into a divorce I do not want.
And let me tell you - divorce is by far the hardest thing I've had to experience in my life.
What do I do with the love I have for this man? It hasn't gone away and I suspect it won't. How do I rid myself of over two decades worth of memories? How do I erase almost 12 years of a relationship, with almost 10 being marriage?
How do I forget how he was the first man to love me, even when he found out what I had done in my past? How do I forget how he made me laugh, how he proposed, how we met? How do I forget the way he held me when we lost our baby, or the way he clutched my hand so tight while we waited for my surgery to see if I had cancer? How do I forget the Christmases, birthdays, Halloweens, every family reunion? How do I forget how he soothed my tears when I had nightmares, knew my favorite treats, brought my medicine while I was sick? How do I forget every vacation, every night spent in love and passion, every laugh, every inside joke?
These are questions I have no answers to. I do not know.
But I do know one thing with absolute surety - I will be okay. Throughout the last month, and without fail, I've felt that I will be okay every single day. Maybe not now. Maybe not in a week. Maybe not even in a year. But I will be okay. And that's enough for me.
